End of 2010



Another year is coming to an end and for the first time I am actually looking forward to the new year.  2010 was simply not my year.  I am still unemployed (good times!!) and I had a bevy of health issues. There is still no employment on the horizon but I am beginning to feel more optimistic.  I am beginning to understand that my lack of employment was truly a blessing from the Lord.  I have had lots of personal issues that have required so much time and attention over the last year that it would have been nearly impossible to work.  I am thankful to have had health insurance over the last year so the monetary burden has certainly been lightened.

Christmas was an interesting time of pain and reflection this year.  The Christmas season is a time for us to celebrate life and especially the life of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  Early Christmas morning a dear friend of mine lost his mother unexpectedly.  She was only 58 and her death has left a huge hole in their family and community.  I have spent great deal of time reflecting on her life and the impact she had on the people around her and have found myself lacking.  Her son has expressed to me many times over the last week how many people have shared in his grief over her loss.  Like most things in my life I have somehow found a way to make this all about me. :)  Okay, not really but it has taught me a valuable lesson that by 33 you would have thought I would have figured out.  I need to embrace life and live it to the fullest.  You don't know how much time you have on Earth and more importantly you don't know who's life you are touching.  One of my resolutions for 2011 is to learn to live outside of myself.  I am going to make sure that my loved ones know that I love them.  I am going to give of myself not just physically but emotionally as well.  That being said, I love you Paul and hope you and your father are able to find some peace.

http://www.centralmassnews.com/Obituary-10679.113122-Carol-A-DellAquila.html#123

Another resolution I have for the new year is to learn to live in the moment.  I am a planner and obsessor (the OCD diagnosis was no surprise) by nature and this has ruined many a relationship.  This year I am going to appreciate everyday and learn to be grateful for the people and experiences in my life.  This may sound simple to some of you but trust me, it may be one of the biggest struggles of my life.  I may need a reminder or two over the next little while to take a deep breath and enjoy my surrounding.

Lastly, I am going to fully appreciate the woman that I am.  I have an incredible life and have been so blessed.  I am able to make decisions for myself and those decisions are mine alone.  I don't have to do anything just because others think I should.  Embrace this thought Grames and you will be a much happier woman.

I have made a few other personal resolutions that are not appropriate for throwing out into the blogosphere but know that I am truly excited for 2011 but more importantly I am excited for today!!

Growing up!!

Okay, I think I have finally become an adult.  I realize age wise I have been considered an adult for well over a decade but in the last week or so I actually have realized that I am one.  Here is what I know...I have a great life.  It is certainly not the life I planned for myself and for sure not the one I dreamed about but it is the one I have and as I heard someone say once it's time I start LIVING my life.  The thing is, I have actually done some super cool things in my life but have always put a negative spin on them.  "If only I had more money this experience would be so much better." "If only I were married or had a boyfriend this trip would be way more exciting and romantic."  Since when do the Disney Princesses have the corner on fantastic lives?  Just because I don't have a bank full of money and Prince Charming hasn't rescued me from my life doesn't mean good things can't happen.

 My good friends sister recently got married in a courthouse.  Most people would not consider this a dream venue for a wedding and I will admit upon first hearing the plan I was a little skeptical.  I was skeptical, that is, until I heard how she described her wedding.  She described the ceromony as "perfect" and you know what?  They are married and that is what counts.  It was perfect.  The moral of this little story is perfection comes in all forms and often when and where we don't expect it.  Congratulations Ellen and thank you for unknowingly help me realize that I am a grown up.  I owe you one!

Decisions

I am absolutely horrible at making decisions.  Actually, scratch that I am a pretty good decision maker it's the follow through that brings me down.  I have this inherent fear of commitment.  I can't commit to the decisions once they been make.  Theoretically I know what I want in my life but putting the plan in motion is terrifying.  I am pretty sure this is not normal behavior for a woman in her 30's but it is what it is. 

There are no major life decisions facing me right now so I am not sure why I am bringing this topic up today but it has just been on my mind lately.  So m y new challenge for myself if to make a decision and live with it's consequences.  I am not sure where this is going to lead me but I will keep you informed.

Happy!

I am a happy woman!!  My Yankees have a 2-0 lead over the Twins (sorry Greg).  But more importantly I am just happy with my life.  I am still woefully unemployed but I figure that has to change eventually.  I am a fantastic (yes, I am tooting my own horn) employee with a lot to offer so I figure the perfect job opportunity is just waiting to present itself. 

My health has been iffy for the entire year.  I started the year off with a breast cancer scare and moved right into stomache problems but with the help of my fantastic doctors those issues are starting to get cleared up and I am finally taking control of my own health.  Thanks to my awesome friend Amy Jo Tucker I have been motivated for the first time in a long time to really take care of my body. 

I have terrific friends who actually care about me and my happiness.  I have reconnected with an old college roommate who I haven't kept in touch with over the last couple of years.  She is my hero.  She deals with OCD like I do and it is so nice to have someone to share experiences with.  I know I am crazy but it is nice to know that other people have issues like I do.  Laura, I love you!!  Your gentle, unjudging spirit has gotten me through some dark nights and for that I will always be grateful. 

Lesson for me in all of this rambling...Life is good.  Sometimes bad things happen but it is up to us to make of it what we will. 

Love Advice Needed!!

How do you tell someone you love them and have them receive it in the spirit intended? Is it selfish of me to want to express my feelings? I have never been good at this sort of thing. I grew up in a family where love wasn’t and still isn’t freely expressed verbally. When my sister had Sophia I made a conscious choice to tell her often how much I love her and it has become second nature. That being said I have never said the words “I love you” out loud to an unrelated person of the opposite sex. I have actually been in love before but the fear of rejection has always held me back. No more! In the spirit of living my life and not just getting through I want to embrace my feelings.

Therein lies the dilemma. Is it selfish to want to tell someone how I feel? I have heard some say that it is compliment or some other nonsense to be loved. Is this a true statement? I have also heard others say it freaked them out when finding out someone was in love with them. I want to be able to feel like I am being honest in my relationships without coming across as a stalker. Even as I write that I realize it sounds ridiculous. It is not exactly as if the person I am in love with is some celebrity type who has never even heard my name. He is a flesh and blood person and while I am pretty sure he already has a firm grasp on how I feel I want to make my feelings 100% clear. I want there to be no mistake on how I feel or what I want. At the same time I don’t want to lose him in my life. He has been the best friend I could as for over the last couple of years and part of me does not want to risk that friendship.

I suppose if he reads this post I may not need any feedback on this topic for this particular occasion but I want your thoughts anyways. Please, dear friends, help me!! When is it appropriate to express your feelings of love and is it okay to risk a friendship to see if it could develop into something more? Remember as you make your comments that this isn’t Hollywood, this is my life and while a “happily ever after” wouldn’t be frowned upon I just want some honest feedback.

On that note, I love you!!!

Update

So, I just wanted to assure everyone that my crabbiness did not lead to an arrest the other day. Good news because I am far to pretty for prison! :)

Antonio turned out to be a total Nigerian scammer. I am pretty proud of myself though. I traced his IP address to Nigeria and turned the tables on him. I told him that while I did think that yes, God did mean for us to be together I found out I was pregnant by my ex boyfriend and we thought it best for the baby to get married. This threw his whole plan into hyperdrive and he immediately asked me for $3o00 to get some shipment threw customs (are women really that stupid?). I have ignored him ever since I told him we were headed to Vegas to get married and after only a few more feeble attempts to get money he has left me alone. Lesson learned! No good relationship can possibly come from the internet. I do know that there are marriages that have started online but they have to be the exception.

Moral of this post? I am still single and still crabby! Heaven help us all.

Life Lesson

I learned a little something about myself today. I am way too old to be pulling all nighters!!! The lame part about last nights experiment is that it happened merely by chance and not because I was doing anything spectacular. I started out watching a cheesy BBC period romance (and of course crying) and from there it was all down hill. I did not get a single minute of sleep last night and boy does it show. I am super CRABBY!!! Today would not be the day to mess with me. Shoot, it wouldn't even really be the day to look at me. Demon, as I fondly refer to the child I babysit, elbowed me in the eye this morning and it is rapidly swelling. When it rains it pours I suppose.

I remember the carefree days of college where all nighters were capped by a sense of euphoria and accomplishment. Now I just want to punch someone in the face. Stay tuned to see if I am arrested for assault.

Sunday

Not much going on in my life. I am still woefully unemployed but thanks to President Obama I will once again be receiving unemployment benefits. From a political stand point this drives me insane. Our country is in so much debt I don't think we ever see the end but from a personal stand point this is a huge blessing. I never thought I would be unemployed for 14 months. Lest anyone think I am not looking for a job I should say I have applied for anything and everything out there. I am either "over-qualified" or 1 of over 100 applicants for the jobs in my field. INSANE!!!

On another note, approximately 1 year ago I decided to use all my free time to explore my personal life. I signed up for a 6 month membership to eHarmony and thought I would give the world of online dating a try. What a joke! The only guys that showed any interest in me were con artists from Nigeria. I so wish I was joking right now but I am so not! What is it about me? So when my membership expired I let it. Eharmony knows how to do business though and they keep sending me matched. Jerks!!! Well, just this weekend I have started talking to a seemingly nice guy from Italy. I say seemingly because I am waiting for his creepiness to come out. What can I say? I am a little skeptical of this whole online thing. In the meantime, bring it on Antonio. You seem like a nice guy. :)

Sweet Sophia!

So, my mother, Sophia and I were in the car a
couple of days ago and out of the clear blue sky Sophia informed me that "Boys don't marry Aunts." I tried to reason with her that Uncle Jens married Aunt Abbey but she informed me that didn't count. Awesome. Where was this kid about a decade ago when everyone started seriously asking me when I was going to be getting married? If I had known then that the answer was never that maybe I would have a firmer grasp on that fact now.

I realize that this kid, who sadly is my best friend at the moment, just doesn't want to lose me but hearing the words kinda hurts. Don't think for a minute that the words haven't entered my own head a time or two in the last decade or so but to have independent confirmation...well that just sucks!!!

Don't get me wrong, as a general rule I am content with my single life but just once I would love to hear someone who wasn't related to me tell me that they love me. In fact, in my younger years I would try and bargain with God. I would explain to him that I understood that it wasn't my lot in life to be a wife and a mother but if I could just fall in love and have someone love me back I would be content. As I have gotten older I am pretty darn sure that would hurt worse than never experiencing it in the first place. Turns out I want a wedding. I want a family and if that is not to be lot in life as Sophia predicts then I suppose it's high time I start getting over it.

Stupid decisions!

I swear I am the queen of stupid decisions! I have an innate ability to fall hard for men who have no interest in me. The best part is they seem to consider me a buddy and almost string me along just in case something better doesn't come along. The thing is, I totally let them. Do I not think I am worth better than that? Well guess what, I am!!! I really want a man who is gonna chase me. One who thinks I am worth going to a lot of effort to keep my love. Is that too much to ask? It's funny because for a long time this is what I have wanted but time after time I let myself be taken advantage of. I refuse to be walked on anymore. I will not accept being someone's second choice!!!

Interviewing

Okay, so I am finally interviewing for positions that I would like to have. Hopefully within the next couple of weeks I will join the ranks of the employed. I have a feeling it is going to be hard getting back into the swing of things.

Babysitting hell!

First let me say that I am more impressed every day with people who have all these great ideas for home and family that they blog about on a daily basis. I will admit that I am a little selfish and my blog is purely for my own purposes. I find it theraputic to put all of my "stuff" out there.

Unemployment has certainly had it's benefits over the last 10 months. I have traveled to Europe, spent lazy summer days at the swimming pool, and am now enjoying non stop coverage of NCAA March Madness but there is an unexpected ugly side. I feel compelled to take every little babysitting job that presents itself. These have generally been my for my siblings and even one former co-worker and have usually ran smoothly. Now I have myself in a real mess. I am watching a 2 year old terror!!! The worst part is I feel like a complete jerk for writing that this kid is evil. AAAAAGH!!!

Frustration!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! I realize this means little to you dear reader but this is my third attempt at leaving this post. First time out I wrote a very witty post about bootcamp and old age (trust me it was excellent) and it was deleted without warning by my overactive fingers on this laptop keyboard.

So here goes again...I love bootcamp. My body not so much but intellectually I know it is a good thing. I have already lost 5 pounds and more importantly I feel really good about myself. I have learned that at 33 years of age I can no longer do the crab walk. I thought my upper body strength was above average but just kidding!

Boot Camp

Okay, I gave myself my birthday present today. I know it is a few days early but I was afraid if I didn't act today I might chicken out. I signed up for my gym's 6 week boot camp. Scary!!!! The trainers that are running it said that I will be puking and crying at the end of every session. Awesome! They begin Feb. 13th so I will keep you updated. My weight loss goal for this boot camp is 20lbs. We will see.

In other news I have had the opportunity this month of watching my nephews Russell and Griffen and they have both been so much fun. Griffen is 8 months old and an adorable little guy. Russell is 7 and in first grade. He is getting to be a great reader and enjoys reading books with me. A boy after my own heart.

Groundhog Day is a comin!

My birthday is exactly one week away. I am pretty sure that by the time you are my age you are not suppose to look forward to your birthday but every year I do. I LOVE my birthday and the reasons are not clear. I have a picture in my head of the perfect birthday and believe it or not that perfection has yet to be achieved. That is mostly my own fault because the expectations are way too high. Every year is a major disappointment but this year I vow to make it different. I am throwing myself a birthday party this year and doing exactly what I want. I am in control of my own destiny! Happy Birthday to me!!!

The weight loss journey has been rough. I have been going through some serious medical issues so the motivation to be healthy has just not been there. It was finally determined that I do not have cancer so it is time to stop feeling sorry for myself and literally get off the sofa. I realized with in the last week that if I did have cancer I had not done anything over the last 32 years to prevent it. Never again! It is time to start realizing that every decision that I make effects my life in the long term. Last week I joined a gym and met with a trainer! Scary!!! We came up with a plan and now I have someone who is in my corner rooting for me. Mike (the trainer) wants me to succeed and most importantly he knows I can. My whole body hurts and I feel like an old lady but I am confident that good things are going to happen.

FYI, I am still unemployed and while it has been nice to be able to do the things that I would like to when I want to I am ready to get back to work. I am in the healthiest emotional state that I have ever been in and I am ready to move forward with my life.