Keep on trucking...

I am going to just say up front that I absolutely hate dating!!! I am no good at it. Now that I have said that let me tell you about my most recent experience. About 3 weeks ago I decided that I was tired of moping around and feeling sorry for myself so I told my friends that I was ready to start dating and they were charged with finding me the perfect man. Turns out I should have given them a bit of direction. I really didn’t think I was that picky of a girl but turns out even I have standards.


Several days after putting myself on the “market” I answered the phone call which would set my ego back several years. They had found me a 42 year old divorcee who was employed and LDS. What a coup! I agreed to let them give him my email address and Facebook information and that very day I received a friend request from a 47 year old, unemployed, 2 week divorced man (the LDS part was accurate, kinda…) Would that the story ended there and for about a week I thought it would. After “friending” me he took an entire week to contact me because he couldn’t think of a single thing to say to me. So, after his initial reluctance things took off at a rapid rate that had me alternating between panic and nausea. After several days of exchanging emails and phone calls it was decided that we would get together on a Saturday night (also his birthday) for dinner and a movie. Here is the part that is embarrassing, I offered to cook him dinner which means I gave him my address. Ugh! A mere 18 hours after giving out my address he was at my doorstep with only a 5 minute heads up. Really? It was 9pm and I was in my pj’s and glasses and certainly not looking my finest. Nevertheless, not being one to stand up for myself, I let him in and so began the nightmare. That very night I found out that he was in fact unemployed, had only been divorced for 2 weeks AND still lived with his ex-wife (I later found out she was a lesbian. Why wouldn’t you lead with that information?) I am not going to give you a blow by blow account of this experience but I do want to highlight some choice moments. As I think about them I realize that while they showcase a man who clearly is not ready to be dating they also showcase a very timid woman who needs to stand up for herself more. The following are not in chronological order I am just writing them as they come to mind…

1. The man wears women’s socks. He says that men’s socks are too big and little boy’s socks are too little. Really?

2. Did I mention he still lives with his ex-wife with no plans for either of them to move out?

3. Right before the divorce he declared bankruptcy. **Just a note to single men everywhere…most women do not need you to be rich but we do need you to live within your means and take care of your responsibilities.

4. He is old and it has nothing to do with the numbers. He thinks acts and dresses like an old man.

5. When asked what he was looking for in a woman the answers were all physical in nature and none of them described me in the least. He actually looked at my boobs, asked what size I was and when I answered that I was a C cup he called me a liar and said I looked more like a D. Now for most men that wouldn’t be a problem but he actually told me they were too big. (Why the hell was he wasting time with me?)

6. He is into couponing. Now I am all about saving a buck (see number 3) but he is one of those couponer who has binders and subscribes to 5 Sunday papers. I know I shouldn’t stereotype but it seriously sounds like a bored housewife hobby.

7. The man doesn't like baseball. In fact, “doesn't like”, doesn’t even come close. He knows absolutely nothing about the sport. I actually didn’t think it was possible to be an American and have never heard the name Derek Jeter but the man told me the only baseball player he knew was Babe Ruth. How old did you say you were old man?!?

8. He wore pleated pants and white (women’s) sweat socks with dress shoes.



Okay, I could keep going but this list is starting to depress me. It all ended in a fiery crash when he mentioned that his mother check out my profile on Facebook (his mother is in her 80’s what the hell is she doing on FB??) and that she found me to be neither pretty enough nor thin enough for him. The best part? He defended her by saying she is shallow. Awesome! That was followed up with him asking me where I saw our relationship going long term. Bye bye crazy man. You will not be missed.